Thursday, June 7, 2012

Funny Quotes I Collected (Minor Swears!)

Before continuing to view my post, if you hadn't already seen the title: Funny Quotes I Collected (Minor Swears!) than I'm letting you know once more...

There are a couple of swears in my quotes. They are nothing too bad (not the f-word) but they are nonetheless swears and if you don't want to see them I recommend you not read any further on this thread...

Oh! Scratch that! I have a good idea! I'll make the quotes that include a swear(s) bright red so you can distinguish them from the other "clean" quotes.

I was told that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were merging. It will be called YouTwitFace.

If there was a zombie apocalypse only blondes would survive because zombies only eat brains! Friends are alot like trees, they fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.

I love it when I buy a bag of air and the company is nice enough to put a few chips in it.

When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.

"I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you climbed up a tree and said: 'OH MY GOD! Look how big this piece of broccoli is!'"

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If all the cars on Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when it's illegal to drink and drive?

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their car. For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a b****.

Whenever a bird sh*** on my head, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on the porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

I'm going to paint a blue square in my backyard, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.

Yo Mama is so fat even Dora can't explore her!

When I clean my room: 1% Cleaning. 29% Complaining. 70% Playing with stuff I just found.

Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

That awkward moment when you pull your blankets up and punch yourself in the face.

"Do you want a plastic bag?" "No, I have a magical elephant that will hold my stuff".

"Dad, I'm hungry." "Hi, Hungry. I'm Dad." "Dad, I'm serious." "I thought you were Hungry." "Are you kidding me?!" "Nope, I'm Dad."

If you watch Titanic backwards, it is a heartwarming tale about a ship that jumps out of the water and saves lots of drowning people.

Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When life fives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I didn't slap you; I high-fived your face.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

No one is listening until you fart.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect".

If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the up button.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Someone wrote gullible on the ceiling.

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F-word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Girls are like roads, the more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it sh*** on your head.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins with "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**..."


  1. Oh meh gish these are AWESOME!! I told some of them to my aunt and she texted them to my uncle. And I told the one about the best friend and the one life jacket to MY best friend. XD -caracal100

  2. Lol!!! ;) I love the déjà vu one!

  3. Why did they have bad words? I know their funny. But it might be innaproprite to other bloggers.

    1. Ppl Facebook it, so it's not illegal but I guess the ones with curse word ewere not as good as the others. :(

  4. Well, those words aren't really bad in my opinion. And I did censor them with an asterisk *. At any rate, I'm sorry if they offended you in any way. :)

    1. Yes u did not type the actual word.

      However, even tho u think these words
      Are not bad, they truly are ,, and think; would ur parents let u walk around the house shouting cuss words? If not , they r BAD if so, your parents should not

    2. I loved the one were you ate a scrammbled egg it was funny to me even though i don't curse =l.

  5. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These are so funny! I love the new ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're so funny I have to show you all my happy faces: :) c: C: :D ;) c; C; ;D XD
    P.S. I'm still laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  7. lol those were so funny, i can't stop laughing!

  8. i did not really like this post i know it was funny but bad words i did not like at all or very much

  9. I think the bad word ones were unnecessary. But a few were way funny.
    "A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
    That would describe me. My mess of papers is where people can't see it.

  10. Your fat computer -smashes comput-rr computer blows up ahhhhhhhhhh

  11. Good grief... For your information I never say cuss words. I NEVER said these words are not bad and if you don't like them don't read them. I clearly stated at the very beginning there would be some BAD words.

  12. i have won it is
    the mom said your grandma just dies the boy say back on taxt aww really and he goes i fell bad then the mom says it is ok lol the kid said lol why lol he thought iy meant laugh out loud when the mom meant love you lots
    lol it is so funny

  13. Haha. Yep! I've heard that one! ;)

    1. Some of thesejokes I've seen on pizzadrop's blog. :l

      -TheCrystal (or Maya707)

  14. thanks ya i herad that won from my cousin lol thanks for the replt sheesh4 you are awesome

  15. Lol! I like the vacuum one. It's one of the last ones. I did that a couple days ago! XD I broke the vacuum in the end. :3


  16. When I clean my room: 1% Cleaning. 29% Complaining. 70% Playing with stuff I just found.

    That was me when i was around 4-5 years old! ;) -slyredfox

  17. Sheesh, I know there is a warning about cursing and yeah... but... I would delete the curse ones... They are inapropriate... You don't have to...


    1. Sorry but I'm not going to. If people don't want to read them they shouldn't visit this post.

  18. It wouldn't hurt to delete them. I will stop talking about it after this comment but... do you realize 6 year-olds are playing Animal Jam and possibly viewing this blog? I think we all know the first thing they will do is look at the bad word ones. If you don't say bad words why promote them on your blog? It makes you and your blog look bad. And, in my opinion, it's wrong.

    1. Oh, well. I have a warning and that's enough in my personal opinion.

  19. um yeah i love them
    i dont mine swearing but if my dad heard swear i can kiss the comp, my nintendo and tv good bye

  20. Some of them are offensive to me :(

    I don't mind the bad words, I say them all the time, unless I know people don't want me to.

  21. Sheesh,excellent quotes, with the one about VoiceMail, That is like my sister, once she heard it, she said that was her! Real good job

  22. She gave a warning and if you weren't looking to want to see a bad word then don't read it =l.

  23. LOL the dad one an the one were your teaching kids which im still doing with my sister =D.

  24. I say those words all the time lol