Saturday, November 3, 2012

New Funny Quotes

  • When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
  • What if Gangnam Style is actually just a giant rain dance, and we brought this hurricane on ourselves?
  • My son said his favorite mythical creature is a unicorn. He then asked me if I had a favorite mythical creature and I said "Yes, an honest politician."
  • When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!
  • Man, I love Halloween. I can get free candy without going into a van!
  • Let's celebrate Columbus Day by walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now.
  • Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
  • I want to change my name on Facebook to "No One," so when I try to add people, it will say, "No One wants to be your friend."
  • Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption".
  • I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten people."
  • Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.
  • Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tinfoil.
  • If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
  • Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight.
  • Make the little things count. Teach midgets math.
  • The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains". Then, until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!
  • A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
  • When I was a kid, my father convinced me that the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out....Well played Dad, well played.
  • When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
  • I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.

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