Funny Quotes

Before continuing to view my post, if you hadn't already seen the title: Funny Quotes I Collected (Minor Swears!) than I'm letting you know once more...

There are a couple of swears in my quotes. They are nothing too bad (not the f-word) but they are nonetheless swears and if you don't want to see them I recommend you not read any further on this thread...


Oh! Scratch that! I have a good idea! I'll make the quotes that include a swear(s) bright red so you can distinguish them from the other "clean" quotes.


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Winnie the Pooh quotes:
[“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

"I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me."

"Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo."

"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear."

"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"]


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby.

I could eat alphabet soup and shi* out something that makes more sense than what you just said.


I want to change my name on Facebook to "No One," so when I try to add people, it will say, "No One wants to be your friend."


Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption".


I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten people."


Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.


Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tinfoil.


If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.


Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight.


Make the little things count. Teach midgets math.


The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains". Then, until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!


A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.


When I was a kid, my father convinced me that the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out....Well played Dad, well played.


When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.


I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.


Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Let's celebrate Columbus Day by walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now.


Man, I love Halloween. I can get free candy without going into a van!


When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.


What if Gangnam Style is actually just a giant rain dance, and we brought this hurricane on ourselves?


My son said his favorite mythical creature is a unicorn. He then asked me if I had a favorite mythical creature and I said "Yes, an honest politician."


When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!


I was told that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were merging. It will be called YouTwitFace.

If there was a zombie apocalypse only blondes would survive because zombies only eat brains! 


Friends are a lot like trees, they fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.

I love it when I buy a bag of air and the company is nice enough to put a few chips in it.

When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.


"I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you climbed up a tree and said: 'OH MY GOD! Look how big this piece of broccoli is!'"


A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.


If all the cars on Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.


Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when it's illegal to drink and drive?


I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.


You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their car. For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.


I'm going to paint a blue square in my backyard, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.

Yo Mama is so fat even Dora can't explore her!


When I clean my room: 1% Cleaning. 29% Complaining. 70% Playing with stuff I just found.


Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.


That awkward moment when you pull your blankets up and punch yourself in the face.


"Do you want a plastic bag?" "No, I have a magical elephant that will hold my stuff".


"Dad, I'm hungry." "Hi, Hungry. I'm Dad." "Dad, I'm serious." "I thought you were Hungry." "Are you kidding me?!" "Nope, I'm Dad."


If you watch Titanic backwards, it is a heartwarming tale about a ship that jumps out of the water and saves lots of drowning people.


Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.


Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


When life fives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.


Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.


Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.


Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.


To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!


Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.


I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?


Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.


I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


I didn't slap you; I high-fived your face.


Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?


No one is listening until you fart.


When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!


You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?


I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect".


If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the up button.


A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.


As I said before, I never repeat myself.


I bet you I could stop gambling.


Someone wrote gullible on the ceiling.


Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.


Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.


Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.


Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!


I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.


Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F-word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


Why is a bra singular and panties plural?


Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.


I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.


Girls are like roads, the more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?


I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.


War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!


My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a b****.

Whenever a bird sh*** on my head, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on the porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.


Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it sh*** on your head.

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**"

121 comments:

  1. I think some of your quotes were horrible especialy about women. But I have a quote for you.

    Men will never be equal to women until they regain all the weight they lost from women chopping off their head.-Anonymous

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You ppl take jokes WAAAY to seriously. i mean she did not invent them and who cares!!!! ppl it is a hair color!!!! i feel bad fro sheesh4 cuz u ppl are really being annoyin.......u ppl need to get a life. -.-

      Delete
    2. Sheesh, I got some more quotes. They might not be funny though...

      'A watched pot of macaroni never boils.' 'If you cant be beautiful, don be ugly.' See Ya!




      AnimalQueen89

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    3. long but ok try and make the quotes swear free.... to make them like that think of different words

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    4. *sound of hand slapping face* Its her blog....... and she's 15.... i'm only 9 1/2.........

      ~~ Nightmareshappen8 ~~

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    5. It IS THE BLOG im only 9...

      Delete
  2. LOL, ive seen some of these quotes before!

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    Replies
    1. i told my mom the idiot car quote and she laughed. :)

      Delete
  3. This is a joke. Ok so there is a blond on a computer and the computer says press any key to begin the blond yells out WHERE IS ANY KEY

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ya im a blonde but im not that dumb btw u spelled blonde wrong just sayin

      Delete
    2. Hey! I just wanted to say, All blondes, infact, aren't stupid. But many are, cause many blondes are on facebook, and only some are doin duckfaces, etc.

      I am a blonde also, and I found it offensive also. Until I found that out.

      Delete
    3. Im a blonde 2 but i never take blonde jokes offensive and im pretty smart for being a blonde...

      Delete
    4. @ 1st reply:
      The person might be male.

      Delete
    5. oops I removed my own comment up there, since I wanted to re-do it.
      These were hilarious quotes, and I'm kind of blond but not really, since my hair color keeps getting darker, and knowing that the joke really isn't the offensive to me. People usually talk about the extremely light blond teenage girls, but not all of them are dumb.
      In fact, any hair color could be dumb, and I just want to make this clear for the people who are offended, or anything.

      Delete
  4. I like the AFTER (M)ONADY AND (T)USDAY EVEN THE WEEK SAYS WTF

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    Replies
    1. I know I think that ones the funniest!!!!!!

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    2. I have I quote! " when life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like What?"

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  5. i have a joke. How many dumb blonds does it take to change a light bulb?
    3! one to hold the light bulb and 2 to turn the later

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok so the one bout blonds was mean but the rest were preaty funny.
    btw im a blond in real life.
    beastbear

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    Replies
    1. So am i lolz but i love blond jokes

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    2. MY BFF A BLONDE AND SHE EPICLY SMART I:P

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  7. OK THE BEST ONE IS ABOUT THE BIRD P**PS ON UR HEAD AND YOU SHOW HIM WHAT UR CAPABLE OF...
    BEASTBEAR

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  8. Lol I'm blonde in real but I still think blonde jokes are funny. :D
    ~Uni

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    Replies
    1. Hey Uni! I'm glad to hear you weren't offended. D:
      I think the jokes are funny, too. But I am not stereotypical about blondes. There are lots of stupid people in the world and they have all different colors of hair. It's just that blondes got labeled as "stupid" because there happened to be a couple dumb blondes. Anyways, I don't make fun of blondes in real life but the jokes are funny. :)

      Delete
    2. I am a blonde too. I am not offended unless a boy says it really loud to his friends when I walk by.

      Delete
    3. I'm a brunette (;D) but i don't think your hair color should have ANYTHING to do with your intelligence!
      lineyluv

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    4. I agree. I don't like how people singled out blondes as the basis for their jokes.

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    5. blondes are awesome then brunettes im a blonde and i no it we are cool and we no it go blondes

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    6. I wish I was blonde... I'm brunette :l
      Lexie1234

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    7. WHO CARES ABOUT HAIR COLOR?! I AM BRUNETTE BUT PEOPLE STILL THINK IM AWESOME!!! Besides the blond s in my class aren't very popular...

      Delete
    8. hey anonymous how could you say that blondes ar awesomer than brunettes that's just REALLY OFFENSIVE (ima brunette) >:L

      Delete
    9. You spelled "know" wrong twice, and a, like, three more spelling errors in one sentence.
      Your not exactly helping the "blondes are not dumb" stereotype.
      This is hilarious! By the way, i have very ligt brown hair, almost blond, but I'm good at sports, school, and I'm really popular and my ginger best friend is the same but not athletic. So TAKE THAT!

      Delete
    10. Anonymous, that's really offensive to brunettes (I'm one)! Hair color doesn't matter, but we're all equal, so blondes and brunettes are the same. Blondes aren't better, brunettes aren't better.

      -Mscute444

      Delete
  9. I am a blond too but my hair is like REALLY dark blond but I know a really dumb blond!!'

    ReplyDelete
  10. The quotes were soooooooo funny, especially the one dying in the elevator and the 80- year old bingo one.

    ReplyDelete
  11. i gotta joke! How many stupid animal jam monster things does it take to make a cake? 4! one to lazer eye it at the end 2 to make it and 1 to put i love stupid in black frosting on it. OKAY LET ME TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING: Blondes aren't dumb,no one is,everyone is awesome and smart,even if they can't do as much as you so respect everyone,don't make fun of them,its just WRONG so I love the site but please don't make fun!

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    Replies
    1. I'm not making fun. It's a joke. I didn't "create" the joke. >.<

      Delete
    2. I'm not talking about you cuz i read what you said and its nice! Keep that courage! BTW.I made that comment you gave a reply to! -Bella
      I AM BELLA!! YEAH! lol!

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    3. L LOVZ CATIES!!!!!!!! really i do.



      ~AnimalQueen89

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    4. Hey Sheesh4? I love the DO NOT PUSH DA RED BUTTON game. FUNNY. Whats your favorite letter? *pushes button* mines the squiggley! *pushes button again* ~ *pushes button yet again*



      AnimalQueen89

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    5. AND the 'stupid monster things on animal jam' are PHANTOMS!!! PPL!!

      AnimalQueen89 please buddy me

      Delete
  12. ahem just call me Anonymousnicerosegirlcoolness/Anonymouse nice rose girl coolness.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey, I live in the south, and though I do believe that some people here have REALLY bad accents, that's not how we start a fairy tale (even though I think it's funny!) I kinna love that joke... when I was in school last year, a Buckledown book said that the people in the NORTH had an accent, not us! (I don't believe that...)

    TheCrystal!

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  14. sheesh where did you get these quotes so I can get them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I collected them... LOL. And if you're going to use them please give me credit.

      Delete
    2. DUDE SHE DID NOT MAKE UP THE JOKES LEAVE HER ALONE GEEZ.
      IT IS JUST HAIR COLOUR!

      Delete
    3. LOL thanks Anonymous but you don't have to overreact. :)

      Delete
  15. if you want funny i will be at my den i'm the king of funny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. neva!!!! im queen of funny HOW DARE CHU?!

      Delete
    2. NO NO NO i am the king of funny >:O
      ~Rocat47

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    3. wait. quuen and king.

      Well I will be da princesshhh than .-. chu are quuen and king!

      Delete
  16. Why do these jokes sound like Demetri MArtin?!?!

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  17. Awesome! Do I have your permission to reuse some of these? I will make sure you get credit. They were all really funny!

    ReplyDelete
  18. i toally agree withthe "cleaning" your room one! im just like that! P.S. I'm multi-talented too I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  19. its really uneasy to read funny quotes on your site because of distracting background. Could you change it into plain, thx... like on this site http://itshumour.blogspot.com/2010/06/twenty-hilarious-funny-quotes.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry but no. If more people asked me to change the background I would but only one person has (you). But feel free to copy and paste them into some sort of word processing document or a notepad. ;)

      Delete
  20. That blonde one offends me... Im real light blonde And im actually 100% At everything in school.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a joke, Blondes aren't dumb at all, people just say they are to be funny. My best friend is a blonde, and she a bit smarter than I am, and I usually get A's and B's. (I'm brunette)
      -MuffinFox

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    2. i get 100% in school too school is so cool -add me teg300-

      Delete
  21. Ha, the one thats like "70% playing with the stuff I found" is exactly me! These are hilarious, Sheesh.
    -MuffinFox

    ReplyDelete
  22. I have joke

    When the police pulls me over and say papers
    i say scissors and drive away

    -Wolf5790-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i have a police joke its funny becuz i have an uncle whose a cop and i hadnt seen him in 4 yrs so i forgot wat he looked like: So i see a cop car and walk up to it, it was a fat man eating a donut drinkin coffee. so i act like hes not there and say this is wat cops say all day, " Hey man wanna go get a donut, SURE, sweeeeeeeeeet!, im fat but i love coffe and donuts, dunkin them in the coffee , LOOK IM PETER GRIFFIN EATIN A DONUT, DRINKIN COFFE BECUZ IM FAT!!!!" the cop looks at me and says" i swear if thats u emma im beatin the crap outta u" i turn around, sure enough its my uncle. i laugh and run away go home lock my door not really a joke but its funny when u say it to a cop. srry its so looooong luv simon01love

      Delete
  23. To get a facebook just put a face in a book

    -Wolf5790-

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  24. Babies are blenders, just give them something and they chew on it

    -Wolf5790-

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  25. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people and then the grenade exploded

    -Wolf5790-

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  26. I'm sort of a blonde, and sometimes my classmates tease me for it. But they regretted it when our math assessment came rolling around "Hey Alyssa, how do you spell 'polygon'"? I write on a piece of paper: "P-O-L I WILL TELL YOU THE REST WHEN YOU APOLOGIZE"

    ReplyDelete
  27. "When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!" Lol the FUNNIEST one!

    ~sparklee204~

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  28. Lol no one wants to be your friend XD funneh quote :P
    Lexie1234

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  29. Haha I just laughed so hard when it said only in math you can buy 60 canalopes and nobody will ask what the heck is wrong with you XD
    Lexie1234

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  30. Lol I check my voice mail most of the time cause the stupid icon XD
    Lexie1234

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  31. OMG!!! the one about cleaning your room is so true. i love messing with the stuff i find in there

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  32. lol thats funny and yo all people on this!!!!!!!!!,,,,add me.......ok.lol? i think yah u will laugh at this comment trust me and dont call me anoumanous or how ever that its speled

    ReplyDelete
  33. p.s. forgot extra L on that one

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  34. bye the way those 3 above by me well first won was at 11:39 2nd one at 11 40 and 3rd at 11:40

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  35. Here's one: Never approach a computer saying or even thinking "I will do this quickly."

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  36. Lol! I don´t think blondes are stupid. I have long, curly light brown hair with some blonde parts.

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  37. i am telling my friends ALL my fav!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. that awkward moment when your yelling at someone and you mess up on your words

    ReplyDelete
  39. you are cool i saw your den on animal jam its so cool! do you still go on?

    ReplyDelete
  40. ☼pielover4ever☼April 8, 2013 at 7:31 PM

    LOL the cockroach one was funny

    ReplyDelete
  41. heres a joke : rejected fortune cookie says: "a journy of 1000 mile begins with a single step;if that step is in our kitchen, its mostlikely on a cockroach".

    #LOL

    ReplyDelete
  42. lol like them all read them all while waiting for animal jam to stop updating and is still going so i went to have tea and its still going will this ever end? so bored o3o if ya want to be my friend on animal jam send me a jamaa gram or a request my user is zelda18514 XD or my spare account fishyswim555 XD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love your blog but seriously I thought this blog was about animal jam not cheesy jokes.

      Delete
    2. It is. But I'm not the type of person who blogs about one boring thing like some other bloggers. There's no fun in that. And I don't think they're cheesy and neither do a lot of other people. You shouldn't have visited this particular page if you didn't want to read them. They're for people who want a good laugh and obviously aren't mandatory to read if you don't want to.

      Delete
  43. Ok so with the "blonde" jokes it's sorta offensive!

    ReplyDelete
  44. FUNNY QUOTE!! here it is: Roses are red Violets are blue and your sh** is brown. is that funny?

    ReplyDelete
  45. ANOTHER ONE XD ok: Ya'll better watch out cause spider sh** is in da air! xD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HEY! THEN I DID THAT 2 CHU? I SWEAR MY AJ USERNAME IS SPIDER031303

      Delete
  46. Joke:
    (sorry it is a yo mama)
    Yo' mama so fat she jumped off a cliff and a whale came out and said: "WE ARE FAMILY EVEN THOUGHT YOUR FATTER THAN ME!"
    (Joke By:)
    ~spider031303~

    ReplyDelete
  47. Reply To 2nd Comment-
    Don't be so sure. she might have come up with 1.

    i hated that person comment....


    you will never know who i am HAHAHAHA yay i don't need to have an account thank you word ''Anonymous'' :') you the bomb XD

    ReplyDelete
  48. I have a joke. -

    When life gives you lemons, f**ing shoot life with a shotgun.
    Lol, I made it up.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Awsome collection. I like the way you written the post. post are very impressive.
    There are many website who famous for funny video clips and Funny News.
    Thanks for sharing such a nice post.

    ReplyDelete
  50. PUT YOUR HANDS UP! says the robber. But what if I want them down? I say. Alright then, FREEZE!
    says the robber. Thaw, I say.

    ReplyDelete
  51. oops i think i just got scammed scaled and hacked at the same time and now i have no friends plz be my friend my user is dvk1106 thx so much

    ReplyDelete
  52. answer me please i will be so happy

    ReplyDelete
  53. trololollolotrolllolol i was kidding but still buddy my use is dvk1106 and dvk1 and im ajhqmouse 1 on transformice

    ReplyDelete
  54. answer me now or i will find your use and report u and block u if u dont jk maybe jk maybe

    ReplyDelete
  55. i quit a j forever

    ReplyDelete
  56. u want to know why well i will tell u

    ReplyDelete
  57. i just think a j is a bad place for me

    ReplyDelete
  58. ok i said enough bye bye A J FOREVER :(

    ReplyDelete
  59. Cool blog site friend I'm about to suggest this to all my listing contacts.Uplifting Quotes

    ReplyDelete
  60. Bad jokes.... :p

    ReplyDelete